Difficulties....it's hard to admit

My mom raised me to be an independant person......and I am. This week I've learned that I'm independant to a fault.

I've had a really really hard week. Full of emotions, and frustration and tears and screaming. It hasn't been fun. In fact, it's been downright scary.

I resisted having my mom stay with us when the baby came home - I was going to do it on my own (okay me and John). Things were okay for a little while, then the inevitable happened. Ellery started getting fussier and fussier and I was getting more and more anxious.

I started to wonder if John and I had made a mistake, I was convinced I was a horrible mother especially when I was wondering if I even loved this little being who was so dependant on me for EVERYTHING and was sucking the life out of me. After I wondered that I found myself mired in guilt FOR feeling like that :( it's a vicious cycle

Needless to say I had a "breakdown". I use the quotes because it's clearly not a full fledged nervous breakdown but it was enough to make me stop and say "I need help. I am not myself right now, although I know that hormones and things are in play, it's still MORE than that". So after some soul searching and conversations with various friends and family I went to the doctor's yesterday. He told me that I was normal and that everything I was feeling was okay. The medical assistant told me how proud they were of me for calling and coming in . . since not everyone does. That made me feel better. I left with 2 prescriptions and some hope. Hope that things will get better. . hope that I *can* do this.......hope.....it's a powerful thing. .maybe even more powerful than what I was feeling before.